Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
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STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job