Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Who says great literature is dead?
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS