It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Who chose this font
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.