Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
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Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.