The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Spa day..😅
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free