Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Life cycle of cat
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.