A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
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Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
That de-escalated quickly
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.