Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
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Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Breaking news:
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat