CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
time machine? you mean a clock?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!