her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
(Jupiter –
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week