I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”