If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
You Might Also Like
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*