Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
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🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.