Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.