Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.