Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
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[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.