I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Looking at you, Jesus.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
this post was so formative to me
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.