Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!