Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Doctors texting each other.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT