HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Fight
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”