Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
A classic…
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.