Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
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In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.