Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*