[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
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When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler