70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
<- sleeps well with others
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down