sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.