[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.