NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
B
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin