I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes