Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
You Might Also Like
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”