HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
You Might Also Like
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band