Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
first you must answer his riddles
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
new record!
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.