How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
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“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women