Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Sheep
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.