I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Catercrombie & Fish
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Seems kinda suspicious
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
meow
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.