Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”