Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
School be like
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.