Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
SCARY COSTUME
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Home is where your toilet is.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.