They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…