Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT