“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
This pepper has seen some shit
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.