If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“I wouldn’t.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?