*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.