If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card