I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.