Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
You Might Also Like
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it