Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first