Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
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Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.