I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
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Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
*praying for world peace*
God:
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT