me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’m pretty like a car crash.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother